


the galaxy beyond my reach

by MysticalLioness



Category: Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF, prinxiety - Fandom, prinxiety-fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety disappears for a while, Blood, Coughing, Crying, Deceit Sanders - Freeform, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fevers, First Love, Flashbacks, Heartbreak, Heres ONE FIC, Hurt/Comfort, I need to work on my other fics, Im obsessed with Sander Sides, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poems, References to Depression, Sad, Sanders Sides (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Soo, This is taking an unexpected turn, Unrequited Love, Virgil and Deceit are exes, anxiety writes poems with sharpies all over his body, coughing up blood, for a bit, happy ending??, i need inspiration help, im gonna die, its gonna hurt, morality logic and princey are trynna help but, okok lets begin, quotes, sick, they dont know what to do, will add more tags when that happens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-01-10 09:49:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12296637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticalLioness/pseuds/MysticalLioness
Summary: those eyes of yourscould swallow stars,galaxies and universes.what hope did iever have?





	1. blue sky

**Author's Note:**

> anxiety  
> he knew what he wished for  
> he knew what he really wanted
> 
> and yet  
> he couldn't have it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blue
> 
> she wears her pain  
> like an invisible cloak  
> you will never see it  
> except for her eyes  
> they are blue
> 
> \- cindy smith

"I'm fine."

He wished that was true. Unfortunately, it wasn't. Never was, never will be. A lie, that maybe if someone actually thought hard and long about and squinted and pondered and clicked their tongue at, they would see the hurtful truth behind it. But. Unfortunately, people never really wanted to think. Thinking was hard, it took up time and it hurt and it was painful, _painful_ , **_painful_**. And in the end it was.. a glorious surprise, or maybe, just maybe.. a bloody thought.

And so then, it hurt. It clawed at his chest, poisoned his words, danced in his belly, nipped at his feet, dug into his hands, pulled at his cheeks, tugged at his hair, screamed in his earsand it was delightful. So very delightful, so delicious and sweet and sour and in reality, he just wanted to end it all. Anxiety coiled in his belly, as it always did. And he could hear the whispers from his fellow Sides. He often chose to ignore them; but they often got to him.

And yet

"I'm fine."

He explained it as subtle as he could with just two words and six letters.

No need to thank him, no one did, so no one should.

* * *

 

It was a Friday afternoon, he  Anxiety, of course  was curled up in bed. Purple galaxy blankets over his head, even though he was still hiding in his hoodie, his head heavy on his black pillow with dim sunlight coming into the room.

His arm itched; Not from there being self-harm scars or cat scratches or something like that, no, his arms and thighs and sides were all a nice creamy color. He was a pasty white skin color. No scars, just a few freckles littered over his cheeks and shoulders and around his hips. He was quite beautiful in fact, yet he begged to differ. 

But scars and words were actually two different things. Scars stayed on your body forever, maybe just for years or months, weeks. Sometimes they faded away, sometimes they didn't. And words became engraved to your soul. A simple compliment could always be a silly insult. And so instead, he wrote on his body. Just quotes or threats, compliments, insults, all in dark blue sharpie, or purple, turquoise, red, yellow/orange. No matter what color, someone was always saying something. No matter who it was, someone was saying something about him. It was always him. Always him,  _him_ ,  ** _him_**. He wasn't important. He wasn't all that famous. He was just a side. He was nearly made up, only existing in Thomas' head and only his head. 

Why would anyone be stupid enough to think that he existed?

Why would anyone-

 

_Scritch Scritch_

Ah, right. Anxiety's arm was itchy. He mumbled something under his breath, scratching it and slowly, lazily, sleepily, sitting up on his bed. He blinked sleep away, yawning and swinging his legs over the side of his bed. Not before untangling them from his warm, big, fluffy blankets. Anxiety cracked his back, pressing his lips in a tight line and muffling a groan. He ran a hand through his hair, groaning lowly as he gently tugged at the tangles and knots. The male with currently messy hair, tired eyes, who was in dark purple sweatpants and a dark purple short sleeve shirt that was kind of hanging off his shoulder, stood up and shuffled to his private bathroom.

The bathroom was big, with a white tub and shower head to the right of the room. The tub was on the right of the door, and a white porcelain toilet sat across from the door. The sink was to the left, tucked in a bit in the corner and a basket with dirty laundry sat on the other corner, across the sink. Anxiety turned towards the sink, turning it on and grabbing his blue toothbrush and putting just the right amount of toothpaste on his toothbrush and beginning to scrub his teeth quietly. He rubbed his eyes, turning the sink back on after a few minutes and spitting into the sink. He snuffled a bit, washing his toothbrush and ridding it from any extra toothpaste that stuck on. He washed his mouth, turning the sink off soon and drying his hands and face off with a nearby towel. He brushed his hair hastily, and turned around to turn off the bathroom lights and grab his phone and leave his room, glancing back at it hesitantly before closing the door and sliding away to the stairs on his white socks.

The corner of his mouth twitched up into a small smile, the cheerful whistling of Morality made his heart flutter with a hint of happiness. He shook the feeling away, pressing his lips into a straight line and huffing, letting the oxygen leave through his nose and breathing back in slowly. He stepped down a few of the steps on the stairs, peeking his head down and glancing into the kitchen, kind of bending over. He rubbed his left leg against the right one, and hummed softly, so softly.

A hand brushed against his behind. He knew and felt it as clear as day and he choked a bit. He stood up straight, glancing over his shoulder to stare at Princey who was whistling  _as if nothing even happened_.

Anxiety decided not to say anything. It was probably an accident or something, though he would be surprised if it wasn't.

 

Princey moved around Anxiety, sticking his tongue out, playfully and innocently. Anxiety snorted in disbelief, he followed the older Side down the stairs and into the kitchen. Morality looked up from making breakfast, pushing his glasses up and smiling, wide, innocent, happy. Princey grinned back, and Anxiety hummed, smiling with his dark eyes filled with stars and planets, galaxies and the universe. 

"Morning kiddos! How'd ya sleep?"

Morality chirped, heart filled with love for the two boys, Anxiety especially. Princey rambled off about his sleep, waving his hands around with his eyes wide. Morality chuckled breathily, he glanced at Anxiety whom was playing with the hem of his shirt, eyes trailing towards Princey once in a while, slowly, carefully, hesitantly. Morality's wide smile softened into a grin, and he glanced back at Princey who seemed to be nearing the end of his story.

"And that's why I slept  _very, very_ good!"

Morality nodded, and he glanced at Anxiety who flinched slightly and reeled back a bit. Confusion filled Morality's gaze but he shook it away.

"And you? Anxiety, how did you sleep?"

Anxiety shrugged, but his lips twitched upwards. Morality glanced back at the pan, a soft sizzling sound leaving the pan. He grabbed four plates, beginning to put eggs onto them, along with some still warm pancakes. He glanced back to Anxiety who was clearing his throat before speaking.

"Um.. better then.. most nights,"

Anxiety's eyes flitted from Princey, to Morality, to the food. He seemed nervous, and he rubbed his thumb and index finger together. Morality nodded, and Princey shrugged.

"Better than no sleep, kiddo."

Morality leaned over the kitchen island, ruffling Anxiety's hair who made a soft hissing sound, but his eyes were soft and innocent, meaning no harm. Princey snorted, and Morality barked out a laugh.

"One of you go wake Logan up, we're still eating breakfast together no matter how much he tries to avoid it."

Morality shook his head, and his heart fluttered at the mention of Logic. Anxiety spit out a quick, " _Not it!_ " and left Princey gawking in disbelief at him. He sneered, pouting and beginning to trudge away, throwing his head back and groaning. Morality chuckled and rolled his eyes, he grabbed a plate filled with food, pushing it towards Anxiety.

"Eat, I know you struggle to do that because of your strange appetite but I'm not letting you go anywhere without a full stomach."

He chided gently, and Anxiety groaned, but made grabby hands and whined softly.

"At least give me a fork, and some syrup."

Morality chuckled, and turned, opening up a drawer and picking out four forks, handing one to Anxiety who muttered a " _thank you"_. He slid the syrup towards Anxiety, who took it and poured it over his pancakes, eyes sparkling. His belly grumbled, and so he began to eat.

* * *

Anxiety finished eating shortly after Logan arrived downstairs with Princey trailing behind, he muttered a quick " _goof mornfif_ " while shoveling food into his mouth. Princey chuckled a bit at the younger Side, and Logan simply rolled his eyes and sat down, but his eyes held some amusment in them. Morality chided Anxiety, " _Stop eating so fast, stop to chew at least! Anxiety, you're going to choke!_ " and Anxiety shrugged him off, picking his plate up and placing it into the sink before walking away, flipping Princey off and running upstairs.

He walked into his room, locking his door and sliding down it with his back on it. He bit his lip, eyes glazing and tears falling. He smacked his head with his hand, before getting up warily and opening his bedside drawer, shoving his hand into it and taking out a red sharpie. He shoved his pants down, sitting on his bed and taking the cap off the red sharpie before writing on the inside of his legs, on his thigh.

" _He doesn't love you._  
_You're creating your own_  
_Hell and all he loves is_  
_watching you burn._ " (-Erica M. Christensen)

He put the cap back onto the sharpie, before throwing it back into his bedside drawer and digging his nails into his legs. He scratched at them until long, angry, red lines and he let tears fall and wet his shirt. His face was red and splotchy, eyes puffy and red. He finally raised his hand to wipe away at the tears, but they continued to fall, fast, hot, burning. His heart ached, aching for someone, maybe someone like.. like  _Princey_ , to love him and hold him close. But the boy didn't love him, he never would, he would never love someone like Anxiety who was gross, fat, stupid, depressing, emo..

No one would ever love Anxiety.

Anxiety isn't something you should love.

 


	2. starry night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've loved the stars  
> too fondly  
> to be fearful  
> of the night" -Galileo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I have fallen  
> a long way.  
> Clouds are flowering  
> Blue and mystical  
> over the face  
> of the stars" -Sylvia Plath

He did no cutting. Just scratching. Scratches, angry, red, painful, and they left no scars. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he might leave a scar or two, or he could break the skin and bleed. Bleed out until he couldn't breath, until he couldn't breath and he gasped and screamed and hurt and cried and then-

He did no cutting. Just because if one of the Sides found out they'd be scared of him. They'd weep for him, take away any knives, blades, razors. Watch him and study him like scientists with white lab coats that hung from their shoulders to their knees. They'd poke and prod at him, make him strip so they could see every mistake, every poem, every quote, every word they've ever said engraved on his skin with scars and sharpies.

Maybe he had thought about it once or twice. Just because it scared him or made his heart flutter, curious and painful.

But Anxiety decided to take the safer route and just scratch himself, it was painful and clean. No mess to clean up, which was helpful. The only thing he couldn't hide however were the poems, sentences, words, quotes, that he wrote on himself. He wrote them on his thighs, above his knee just to be safe. Maybe on his stomach, or when he was wearing long sleeves he would write on his arms.

And so, Anxiety always made sure not to break his two rules.

1\. Never write on hands, feet, below knees, shoulders, neck, chest, or back (not that he could write on his back).

2\. NEVER CUT, no matter what. 

* * *

He fell asleep shortly after his small breakdown in his bedroom. It was quiet, and very dim light came in from the single window in his bedroom. The room had changed from the Sander Sides video in which they had gone to his room. The room was a bit bigger, but it didn't matter as long as Anxiety was comfortable. 

Anxiety woke up with dried tear streaks on his cheeks. He yawned, stretching and rubbing his eyes. He sat up on the bed, chest aching, longing for..  _someone_. He stood up, pushing himself off the bed and into his bathroom just to wash his face quickly before pulling his sweats up and venturing out of his room. His hair was a mess, a mix of straight hairs, curls, waves that stood up in every direction possible. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm the locks that were kind of looking similar to a rats nest.

His ear twitched at the sound of cartoons in the living room, the chortling of the rest of the Sides made him reel back, wanting to go hide in his room and just cover his ears, and maybe scream a bit, let a few more tears fall, ya'know.

He took a shaky breath, walking downstairs and looking inside the living room. Logic sat on the couch next to Morality, who was in the middle. Princey sat on the other side of Morality, with his head on Morality's shoulder. His eyes twinkled, and he seemed to be talking about something with Morality. Logic leaned on the couch armrest, reading a book quietly. He paid no attention to the cartoon playing on t.v., and instead his eyes flickered up to look at Anxiety.

Anxiety stiffened, gaze trailing down because  _wow_ , his socks were pretty interesting right about now. Logic sighed, he put his book down and pushed his glasses up.

"Why don't you come and join us, Virgil?"

Morality and Princey's heads snapped in unison to Virgil, their eyes widened to the size of saucers. Morality nodded, grinning wide, so very wide. Excitement literally radiating off of him.

"Yes, Yes! You should join us, Virge! Come over here, sit down next to Roman!"

Morality threw himself across Roman, who spluttered in surprise. He patted the empty spot next to Roman eagerly, and motioned Virgil to sit the  ~~fuck~~ heck down. Virgil hesitated, trying to form words, maybe a sentence or two. He looked up at Logic, who nodded his head towards Roman.

"Sit down, its not healthy to stay up in your room as always."

Logic pursed his lips, and Morality barked out a laugh, Roman snorted and glanced at Logic.

"Don't be like that, Logan! Come on, Ann, you barely watch cartoons with us!"

Morality whined, and Logan rolled his eyes. Roman groaned, throwing his head back.

"Leave him alone, Patton. If Mr. Hot Topic doesn't want to hang out with us then so be it,"

Virgil's cheeks burned at the compliment- er, insult. He snorted, crossing his arms and leaning on his left leg. His hip stuck out a bit and he raised his chin, looking at Roman from beneath his long lashes.

"Awe, you think I'm hot, how fucking  _cute_ ,"

Virgil sneered, and Patton tutted at him, waving his finger around as if to say, " _no no! dont say that!_ ". Roman's cheeks turned red, and he spluttered. The older boy was flushed, and embarrassed. He growled, and spit at him.

"How about you go to  _hell_ ,"

Roman hissed back, eyes narrowed at him. Patton perked up, biting his lip and glancing at Logan.

"B-boys, come on, please stop now,"

Patton rubbed his arm, and Virgil looked away, hurt clearly shining in his eyes.

"I can't believe you're a side, you should've never been one, you were a fucking  ** _mistake_**   _in the beginning_ ,"

Roman stood up, crossing his arms and glaring at Virgil. Logan stood up, along with Patton, Virgil stepped back. He stuttered, and decided to keep quiet.

"That is  **enough** , Roman."

Logan warned, and Patton put his hand on Roman's shoulder, who seemed to back down. Logan walked towards Virgil, who stepped back once more with a shout. The three sides froze, looking at Virgil who was gasping at Logan. Tears falling down, hot, burning, fast, embarrassing. He whined, turning away and running up the stairs, going round the corner and barreling into his bedroom door. He struggled to open it, shaking the knob before slipping in and falling onto his knees in a clumsy manner. He closed the door behind him, locking it and falling down again. 

Virgil gasped, he clawed at his chest, feeling as if he was underwater and drowning. And he couldn't breathe, couldn't take in not even a little bit of air. He screeched, coughing and gasping and sobbing. He screamed, curling up into a ball and wheezing. He felt dizzy, lightheaded, his heart was aching so much, too much, to the point where it was actually painful.

What he said, what  _Roman_ said, it hurt. It was truly painful, so very painful. He writhed on the floor of his bedroom in pain, and he could faintly hear the shouts and knocks and bangs on his white bedroom door. It sounded so far away, so very far away. Just like the sound of his heart.

_Thump thump,_

_thump thump,_

Where.. where was he again?

Virgil couldn't recall where he was.. was he still in the living room..? No.. otherwise the others would be staring at him in disgust. The door swung open, and Virgil stilled, eyes fluttering a bit. He wheezed, eyes glazed and tears falling. He could hear someone shouting at him to, " _stay awake! oh god, stay awake!_ ", and someone else had fallen on their knees next to him and pulled him up onto their lap.

He felt tired. So very tired. Maybe a.. maybe a nap wouldn't hurt..? They said to stay awake but.. a quick nap would be fine.. He let his eyes flutter close, ignoring the screams and shouts and the person who was shaking him. It felt lonely to be honest, and it was becoming quiet very fast. His breathing turned shallow, and he twitched a bit. A nap.. it'd be fine, wouldn't hurt, was merciless. Roman.. he wouldn't care if he died.. wouldn't care if he bled to death.. if he cried.. he would just.. would just laugh at him again. Like always. Always laughing at Virgil, pointing at him and snorting letting a laugh bubble out of his mouth, he chortled and Virgil would slink away, cheeks flushed and burning, hot and scared and upset because that  _really really does hurt_.

It's fine. It happens.

And if.. if Virgil was awake and had enough time he'd write on his other thigh.. 

He'd write what Roman said..

Again, and again, and again and again and again and again and again until-

Until his heart broke once more.


	3. orange sky, yellow sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> that was her magic,  
> she could still see the sunset  
> even on those darkest days. -atticus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you show  
> someone the sun in your bones  
> and they reject you  
> you must remember.  
> they hurt themselves this very same way. -unable

Thomas knew something was wrong. It was awfully quiet, not a single of the sides stirred. Were they okay? Could he summon them and see what was wrong? He tried to, but something was blocking him, stopping him from summoning the sides. Anxiety coiled in his belly, his mind felt clouded, foggy, as if he was forgetting something.. or someone..?

He shook his head, ransacking his kitchen in search for some cereal. He decided not to get a bowl, and threw himself onto the couch with his cereal, opening up the box and bag and shoving his hand into the plastic bag halfway full of cereal. It crunched a bit beneath his hand, and he ate it off his hand.

Thomas grabbed the TV remote, turning it on and playing some cartoons. His eyes began to flutter, suddenly feeling tired and very heavy. His energy filled body falling limp, the cereal box slipped from his hands, falling onto the floor with a  _thunk!_ Cereal spilled out, and Thomas groaned, heaving out a sleepy sigh. He bit his lip, trying to sit up but not being able to, he heard someone coo at him, and his eyes fluttered, searching the room only to find someone so familiar to him it hurt.

 

Roman wasn't supposed to be out of the mindscape. He was supposed to be in Anxiety's room, watching him and making sure nothing happened to him. But he could feel Thomas stirring in an uncomfortable and nervous manner. And it bothered him a lot. If Anxiety woke up because of  _something_ that had to do with him he'd surely have another panic attack, and that would cause damage, mentally/emotionally and physically.

 

* * *

Virgil twitched, curling and letting his eyes flutter open. He groaned softly, wiping away his bangs from his face and huffed. The boy peeled blankets off of his body and lazily, slowly, slipped out of his bed into the bathroom. His stomach ached and he stumbled to the toilet, lifting the seat and retching into it. He sobbed, the taste of bile on his tongue was crystal clear, someone came running into his room, calling out a faint " _Virgil?!_ ". The person sighed in relief, standing behind him and rubbing his back as he kept throwing up. Virgil spluttered out a string of names, crocodile tears falling and fast, leaving streaks behind. He lurched forward again, retching more into the toilet and then just dry heaving helplessly. 

He whined softly, huffing a bit, and the Side slipped their hands beneath his arms and pulled him upwards, helping him lean on them. Virgil blearily glanced up at the Side, and realized it was Patton, who was huffing and struggling to keep him upwards. Patton dragged him to his bed, covering him in blankets and then running out, probably going to the kitchen to get some things for the poor boy.

Roman appeared next to Virgil's bed with Thomas beside him. The two exchanged a worried glance, and then turned towards the door when Patton walked in with a bucket, a water bottle, and a few saltine crackers and ginger ale.

"Did he throw up?"

Thomas stammered, biting his lip and furrowing his brows. He rubbed his arm, shuffling a bit and stepping back to give Patton some space. Patton nodded, and Thomas didn't miss the angry glare he sent towards Roman, who scoffed bitterly in return. Patton walked towards Virgil's bedside table. He placed the bucket down on the floor and put the drinks and food on the bedside table. The Side summoned a chair, walking towards Thomas and leading him towards it before pushing his shoulders down, the rest of his body following along. 

"Stay here, and take care of Virge for a bit, try to get him to eat or drink a bit of water at least,"

Thomas nodded meekly, and kept quiet, watching Patton stomp towards Roman and grab him by his arm. He forcefully dragged him out of the room, hissing something beneath his breath at Roman. Patton closed the door behind him and Thomas' heart fluttered a bit, anxious and sad. He stood up and pulled the chair closer to Virgil's bed, taking the boys hand and rubbing small circles on it. It seemed to sooth him, because he let out a soft sigh, and relaxed tremendously.

 

"I told you to stay in the fucking room, and what did you do?  _Leave the damned room_."

Patton sneered, and Roman's gaze trailed down to the ground, where he stared at his pastel orange socks. Patton scowled, clicking his tongue in disappointment. 

"I'm sorry- I needed to calm Thomas down before Virgil woke up and panicked again- He asked if he could come into the mindscape and I said yes because I couldn't exactly bring Virgil out-"

Patton scoffed, and Roman glanced up at him and hunched his shoulders. 

"Sorry won't fix anything right now, I'm very disappointed at you, Roman."

Patton walked around the Side and back into Virgil's room. He smiled softly at the sigh that unfolded before him. Thomas was leaning onto Virgil's bed, eyes closed and singing quietly while holding his hand. Virgil's lashes fluttered once in a while, and he sang back just as quietly.

Thomas looked back at the door, startled at the fact that Patton was watching him and Virgil.

"You can leave now, Thomas. We'll keep an eye on him,"

Thomas nodded, standing up and concentrating to leave the mindscape. It took up a bit of energy, but eventually he left and only Patton stood in the room watching Virgil. He sighed, running a hand through his hair and slowly leaving the room. He slowly and quietly closed the door, leaning his back on it and closing his eyes, biting his bottom lip and just whimpering softly.

Logan was beside him in a few seconds, hushing him and letting Patton wrap his arms around his torso, head nuzzling his chest. The corners of Logan's mouth twitched, curling up into a small smile. He hugged him awkwardly, gently back, and began to lead him to his room.

"I'll check up on Virgil next, you should rest. I already spoke with Roman and made sure he would not bother you. He is in his room, just.. if you wanted to speak with him again,"

Patton nodded, muttering something inaudible. He squeaked when Logan grabbed a hold of his chin, tilting it up and towards him and bent down to peck his lips. He flushed red, and pouted, watching Logan cough a bit and push his glasses up. His cheeks were flushed a light pink, but he seemed to be trying to ignore that fact.

"Go sleep, love."

Patton nodded, wordlessly taking his shoes off and placing his glasses on his bedside table and slipping in bed. His eyes closed, and he heaved out a sigh. Logan pressed his lips into a thin line, turning and closing the door before walking into the kitchen and sitting down.

"Lord- I need a drink or something.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is a bit short..! i wanted to get a chapter done before the weekend ends, and im also real tired


	4. purple galaxy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there were once dying  
> galaxies and crumbling  
> moons under my skin,  
> but then you touched me  
> and brought my universe  
> back to life. -d. antoinette foy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a sky full of stars  
> and he was staring  
> at her. -atticus

A day went by and by the time morning came Virgil was able to begin taking care of himself. Roman hadn't spoken to Patton about their argument, and Logan was trying his best to keep everyone sane. Thomas was becoming mentally and physically tired, the sides beginning to push him to the edge. The mindscape was beginning to get a bit muddled. Too many thoughts at once, and with one of the Sides being sick for even just a few hours meant that it worked the remaining three other Sides, draining them more than usual.

Virgil woke up with the sour taste of vomit on his tongue and with blurry eyes. He blinked sleep away and yawned, scowling at the acrid smell of bile in the bucket besides him. 

Ah- Right.

He was sick. That was the day before. But now he felt much better, even if he did feel like nestling beneath his blankets.

It didn't exactly surprise him that he passed out and later on threw up. It was normal, a bit too normal actually. But it was a secret that he decided to keep from Thomas and the sides. Virgil felt guilty. He felt terrible that they had to take care of him, god he was so fucking helpless. It made him want to throw up again.

Virgil cursed himself, gently pulling his pants down and opening up his bedside drawer. He reached in, hesitantly grabbing a purple sharpie. Taking the cap off and then letting the tip of the sharpie caress his pale, pale skin. It left a trail of purple behind, feeling like sandpaper. Rough and it made his skin a rosy red color. He snorted, bitter and angry. Angry at himself, angry at the sides for helping him, angry at the world for being created in ones head because,  _why was he created why must anxiety exist stop hurting yourself please stop pleasestoppleasestoppleasestoppleasestop._

Virgil gasped softly. Surprised and blubbering, curse words flowing out from between his lips like a river flowed downstream. Fast and feisty, sharp and all too dangerous. A warped purple line clear on his skin.

" _I feel like everyone hates me,_

_and that's okay,_

_because I hate me too._ " (-a.l)

That was fine, it was-

It was okay. Not like anyone was going to see him drawing on himself like a five year old,  _god_ what the hell was he thinking, deciding it'd be a good idea to write himself as a fucking coping mechanism? This was stupid, this  _is_ stupid, maybe he should stop and just begin doing something different. Even if it meant he'd have to hide it too. But then-

What would he do with all these sharpies? He couldn't just throw them all away that would be dumb, so very dumb. What if he gave them to Logan? Maybe he shouldn't. Logan would just talk about how toxic they smelled like, and how harmful they are and all that smarty pants stuff.. If he gave them to Patton then he'd just draw on the walls with the rest of the kids.. But if he gave them to Roman..

He already has enough sharpies to last him more than a decade.

Virgil decided to keep them himself. No use giving them away now, they might question him, might ask if he draws, they'd force him to see his drawings and that is  _not_ what he would want to do because those are  _private_ and he would get in trouble and oh god oh fuck what if they  _saw?_ What if they  _saw his drawings?_

He should rip his notebooks apart, yes! That's a good choice, ripping your fucking notebooks apart because you're too fucking scared about what they'll say,  _well maybe he should let them gawk at him, it'd be better than having them say something at him_.

 

 

* * *

He was tired.  _Virgil_ was tired that is. His chest felt empty, as if his aching and beating heart wasn't in there anymore. He sighed, deep and loud enough to be heard from outside. A soft knock on his door made him look up, eyes heavy and dim. He pulled his pants up quietly, putting the sharpies in his drawer and closing it before shuffling around a bit.

"Who is it..?"

Virgil muttered, rubbing the nape of his neck and staring at the door, expecting for someone to peek their head in. Patton opened the door, smiling softly at Virgil. Light brown meeting dark brown, Virgil glanced away, cheeks red from the sudden eye contact, his heart thumping in his chest erratically. Patton chuckled a bit, he let himself in, hands behind his back as he sat down next to Virgil.

"How you feelin' kiddo?"

Patton tilted his head, examining Virgil's pale face and tired eyes.

"Better than yesterday.."

Virgil shook his head, running a hand through his hair before standing and stretching, hearing the satisfying pop of his bones. His ear twitched at the soft " _eww_ " from Patton, and he bit his tongue down to stifle a laugh. 

"Well.. that's good, why don't you come downstairs to eat then? I'll be making breakfast."

Virgil nodded, body turned away from Patton. He heard the soft creak of his bed as Patton stood up, and walked to the door quietly, and though Virgil didn't see him, he was pretty sure Patton stopped to gaze back at him before closing the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating in a while, i've been really caught up withs chool and tried to upload once a week,,,
> 
> and ive also been taking care of my sick cat, my great grandma with her fractured arm, and my mom with her fractured foot ;p
> 
>  
> 
> (sorry for short chapter!!)


	5. red petals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the flower petals  
> told me you loved me  
> but sadly i know  
> it doesn't work that way -wtm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> she claimed to be an artist
> 
> it wasn't until two weeks ago  
> i found her  
> lying on the bathroom floor  
> crimson red carvings on her canvas - a.t.

Breakfast was strange. It was tense and uncomfortable, giving Virgil so much anxiety that he couldn't speak without stuttering. Roman teased him about it, though his cheeks were flushed pink and Virgil wondered why. Patton tried to chat about random things, and Logan just pushed his food around his plate and kept glancing up at Patton and Roman. 

 

 

 

 

 

Virgil suddenly realized that they were ignoring each other. When they glanced past each other, their faces turned bitter, as if they had bit into a lemon. Virgil swallowed, biting his lip and staring at the food on his plate before pushing his chair back and standing up. He took the plate to the sink, placed it in there, and then quietly thanked Patton for the food before entering the living room and stretching out on one of the couches.

He didn't want to be near them. Too much anxiety meant another attack and it'd be better if that didn't happen. His shirt beginning to ride up a bit, purple letters poking out just the smallest bit.

Someone noticed.

 

"Hey.. Virge? There's words on your tummy.. what does it say?"

Virgil whipped his head around, dropping his phone and pulling his shirt down, glancing at Patton who was pointing to his side. Roman and Logan turned their heads, confusion written all over their faces.

"What words?"

Logan began, slowly and cautiously, brown eyes staring at Virgil, realization slowly dawning on him. Virgil made a soft whining noise, scooting up into a sitting position and very slowly trying to stand up.

"Um- Uh- I don't know what you're talking about?"

Virgil stammered, dark eyes glancing around, nose scrunching up and hunching over. Logan grabbed Virgil's wrist, bumping his hip against Virgil's and forcing him to stay where he was. Roman on the other side, though he wasn't holding onto him at all, just trapping him in between.

"I need you to strip."

Logan spoke bluntly, and Roman's eyes widened as he stared at Logan, Virgil shook his head, whimpering and attempting to pull away, face flushing red.

"W-what?! No!"

Patton bit his lip, digging his nails into the palms of his hands. Logan scoffed, beginning to tug off Virgil's sweater and pants.

In the end, Virgil stood in only his boxers, eyes glazed over with tears that threatened to fall down. He sniffled, arms at his sides and head hanging down as a sign of submission. Words, letters, poems, quotes, sentences, littered his body. Ranging from Dark blue to Purple. Patton looked away, hand covering his mouth and a look of sadness sweeping his face. Roman stared at Virgil's body, blushing light pink and biting his lip nervously as he read the poems slowly, suddenly realizing that the colors belonged to someone, they were coordinated.

Roman realized that the colors had meaning.

Red belonging to him, Light blue for Patton, Dark blue for Logan, Orange/Yellow for Thomas and.. Purple for Virgil.

Purple covered most of his body. Along with a few groups of Red, and Orange/Yellow, Light Blue, and Dark blue littered all over. His heart caught as his throat, aching and fluttering with unhappiness, a spark of anger, denial.

Logan said nothing, face showing no emotion, only eyes crying out disappointment.

"Is there anything else you'd like to show us?"

Logan's voice was soft, gentle, as if he was trying so hard to not scare Virgil away. Virgil shook his head "no" and kept quiet.

"Good. Then go change, we need to bring Thomas into the mindscape so we can all talk about this."

 

Virgil nodded, swallowing and picking up his clothing, scurrying off to his room. Roman followed close behind, whispering out a soft, " _virgil wait..!_ ". Virgil stopped, turning around and gasping softly, tears running down his cheeks, glazed eyes twinkling.

"W-what do you want?! Are you here to make fun of me? Go away, Roman!"

Virgil hissed, and Roman scowled, catching his wrist and pulling him close. Virgil turned away, biting down on his tongue.

"Why is there more Red than any of the other colors?"

Virgil froze, shaking his head and pulling away. He shuffled a bit, eyes glaring directly at Roman. Begging him to just  _let go!_

"That's.. that's none of your buisness! Leave me alone!"

 

The door shut, and Roman glared at it, crossing his arms and slinking away to the kitchen. Logan was focusing all his power on summoning Thomas, and when he managed to do it, a sleepy Thomas appeared, stumbling a bit and rubbing his eyes drowsily. He muttered out a soft curse, blubbering about something beneath his breath. 

Patton chuckled, walking to his side and holding him up, whispering a soft apology in his ear and leading him to a chair to sit down and wake up a bit more.

"Ngh.. why did you guys summon me to the mindscape..? Too early for this.."

Logan sighed, smoothing out his shirt and pushing his glasses up a bit closer to his eyes.

"Actually, Thomas, it is 10:20 AM. And you were supposed to get up two hours ago to finish all your chores to be able to have some free time in the afternoon."

Thomas groaned, covering his face with both of his hands and cursing Logan beneath his breath.

"Sorry kiddo, but we have to do a Sanders Meeting. We have a small.. issue with Virgil."

Patton stammered, biting his lips and letting his guard down. Thomas perked up, eyes narrowing and tilting his head.

"Is Anxiety alright? He hasn't said much now that I think about it.. But is he better?"

Patton nodded, smiling widely. Roman and Logan winced a bit.

"Oh! Virge is doing great, he just.. we found out something about him that we think you should know too.."

Thomas nodded, sniffling a bit and stretching, hearing a soft pop. He stood up, yawning a bit and running a hand through his hair.

"Well..? Are we waiting for him or..?"

The trio nodded, sitting down to chat for a bit until Virgil shuffled out. A short sleeved t-shirt on, along with some pajama shorts that were a bit similar to his boxers.

 

"Oh! Good, you're here! Now.. can you tell Thomas what you.. do?"

Patton gave Virgil a nervous smile, but the youngest only turned his head away, hurt shining in them. He sighed, trying to take the nervous weight off his chest.

"Um, well.. I write on myself as a coping  mechanism. It.. usually ranges from stories, to poems, or just things the others say or have said to me before.. it can range from being positive to being mostly negative.."

Virgil murmured, flinching at Thomas' empathetic gaze.

"Can I see it?"

Thomas nudged Virgil mentally, saying a few words of encouragement before the side nodded hesitantly. He pulled his shirt up, slightly in a trance, showing the colorful words once more.

"You can pull your shirt down, um.. what will you three do about this then? I can't really do anything, since I'm kind of just your.. host?"

Logan pushed his glasses up, the glass glinting in the light in a disturbing manner.

"I've decided that we'll be doing rounds and keep a close eye on him. Yes, it's good that he has a coping mechanism but that might lead him to having much worse anxiety and maybe a few hurtful thoughts. I suggest we look throughout his room and find anything that could be harmful or that could have something hinting as to why he chose this coping mechanism."

It seemed harsh, the way Logan was reacting to this. And it definitely wasn't making Virgil feel any better about himself. Thomas cringed, wondering what the hell was going on in Logan's complicated brain. If he tried to force something unnecessary on Virgil something was sure to happen. And it wouldn't be good at all.

 

* * *

Days went by, and as they did, Virgil seem to feel worse and worse about himself and what was going on around him. Logan check up on him every night, making sure he wasn't trying anything 'dangerous'. Patton checked up on him in the mornings, as always, and Virgil felt better about that. At least it felt more domestic and homey when Patton checked up on him and woke him up.

Roman was a different story though. He tried to brush off checking up on Virgil, lying and gritting his teeth and just trying to leave the poor boy alone. Logan wasn't having none of it, and forced him to check up on him. Roman did, trying to calm Virgil down and tell him he didn't want this at all, this was stupid. And Logan wasn't making anyone feel good.  

Shadows began lurking around Logan, licking at his feet like flames. Trying to destroy everything in their path. Only Virgil saw them though, they came to him once in a while, and if he concentrated hard enough he could manipulate the shadows, creating them into beings that he hated so very much, that he saw in his nightmares. They leaned over him, freezing him in his spot with fear evident in his dark eyes. They let black goop fall, letting it hiss and burn like acid, even though it wasn't really. It still burned a lot.

 

Virgil was beginning to wonder if he should leave for a bit. For maybe a few hours, or a day at least. Just to have a little time to himself. It wouldn't hurt anyone, though Logan would be quite furious. It'd be worth it though. 

So then-

 

It's time to leave then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be when anxiety disappears and thinks about roman every day until he comes back, after that he will be very sick and roman will be by his side the most
> 
> up until chapter 13 is when anxiety gets better btw,, and then on chapter 15 roman/anxiety will confess feelings, and from then on we'll see what happens
> 
> ((maybe smut on chapter 20?? ;^)))) we'll have to wait and see!!)
> 
> [12/31/2017}note ; I was going to get this chapter out a lot earlier than expected but mom and great grandma got badly injured and my cat was nearly put to sleep so i havent had the best time. and im spending new years alone with my mom since my stepdad is drunk off his ass and asleep (dont worry, he's a good guy, but he and mom have been arguing a bit more and anxiety and depression are gonna skyrocket for me soon.) the only happy thing is that tomorrow (jan 1st) is my bday! im hoping no drama at all and a much better year for me (anxiety became a reall thing in 2017 for me, as it worsened, ending of november beginnings of december i had one of my worst depression episodes to the point where i was beginning to think of hurting myself and/or suicide, never tried it though thank the gods.) me and my friend arent on the best of terms and i might break it off with her when i begin highschool or something, shes really ignorant and selfish. and doesnt think about how others feel much, shes also becoming a bit narcissistic and me and my other friend are beginning to feel uncomfy w/her so friend might try and deal with her more, i dont think i can anymore. and so on, :^(  
> anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter and have the best new years ever! love, alex


	6. drowning in goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> goodbyes  
> hurt  
> when the story is not  
> finished  
> and the book  
> has been  
> closed - jnd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when you planted flowers inside  
> of me i thought you were going to  
> water them too. - silly me, they died

He left. Not because he needed to but because he wanted to. Anxiety was like fire, something you shouldn't play with even though it looked like so much fun and even though you were risking something important. But Anxiety wasn't important. It was a wildfire that spread and burned, hissing and licking at every single corner of your mind until smoke made everything blurry and dark.

The sides knew something was missing, but they couldn't name that one thingor person. And then it clicked. When Patton checked in the morning to see if Virgil was awake, and he realized that his room was empty. Thick layers of dust  ~~~~covering every single piece of furniture as if Virgil wasn't ever there. And Patton's heart sunk, falling to his toes. He checked in the bathroom, beneath the covers, the bed, the living room, kitchen, every single room that ever existed. He checked _outside_ of the mindscape. 

But Virgil was nowhere to be found. When he told Logan and Roman he cried. Sobbing and blubbering and blaming Logan.

"It's your fault! This is all your fault! If you just hadn't forced him, if you hadn't tried and babysit him every two minutes he still would've been here!"

Logan looked away, face flushing and brows narrowing. He muttered beneath his breath, and Roman scowled turning to Logan.

"You  _knew_ this was a terrible idea! You fucking bastard!"

Roman growled, throwing himself onto Logan, fist colliding with his face. Patton screeched, shouting at them, hands flying up to cover his mouth. Roman and Logan writhed on the floor, shouts and growls as Roman threw punches at Logan, who struggled to push him off. Patton scrambled towards them, slipping his hands beneath Roman's arm pits and dragging him off.

"Roman! Please stop it!"

Patton gasped, dropping him and keeping him in place. Logan coughed, wiping his nose and stumbling up he shook his head, laughing bitterly and crossing his arms. Face twisting into one of pain.

"I'm.. I'm sorry, it seems as if my calculations were off.."

Logan turned to them, locking gaze with them.

"I apologize.. I should have seen this coming.."

He stumbled off, muttering beneath his breath.

* * *

Dark.

So very dark and cold.

Where was he?

Virgil opened his eyes, looking around and squinting. He sat up, realizing he was on the floor. 

" _Anxiety.. come out come out wherever you are.._ "

He jumped, stumbling up and looking around, something brushed against his leg and he shouted, turning around and shuddering.

A forest appeared, and he hesitated before stepping into it. Leaves crunching beneath his feet. Animals peeking out of their homes and out of bushes to glance at him, whispering to one another.

" _roman.. looks like.. roman_ "

Virgil ducked his head, putting his hood up and hunching over, this was really really weird. Where was he? Roman.. could he be in his..  _kingdom_?

Or at least a part of his kingdom not yet explored? It could be likely..

 He swallowed, unsure and a bit spooked. His entire body beginning to tremble, and he had to walk faster to try and ignore it. Anxiety building up in his stomach, to the point where he could-

A deep growl sounded next to him, and he had a feeling he knew what it was.

Goop splattered on the forest floor, and Virgil glanced up to the shadow monster looming over him, white teeth bared, black eyes angry and yet so very mischievous.

This was not a game to be played for fun, and Virgil knew this very well. The sour taste of sickness becoming noticeable at the back of his throat, and he had a feeling he knew who decided to pass it onto him.

* * *

Virgil spent about two hours walking around the forest, with a headache so strong it dazed him once in a while. The shadow monster followed him wherever he went, whispering to him his fears, problems, laughing and making fun of him.

He wanted to sleep so badly, and yet Roman-

He was on his mind no matter what.

How was Roman doing? Was he fine? Was he worrying about  _him?_ Probable not, but he really did hope so.

His heart fluttered once in a while, wondering about Roman to point where he flushed red, butterflies flapping their fragile wings viciously in his stomach.

 

The sound of villagers bumbling around the city was rather close, and if he looked close enough there were stone walls that rose high, protecting them from the dangers that lurked in the forest.

They'd be safer if Virgil wasn't around.

_Do you really thinks he loves you? That's so very funny!_

_stop lying to yourself, you know he hates you._

_if the villagers saw you, you'd become the laughingstock of the kingdom, theyd wonder, how could Roman have such a disgusting twin? how in gods name could he deal with him? look at him! such a disgrace! shouldnt even be alive.._

and yet-

_"_ _why am i even.. alive?"_

 


	7. a liar is similar to fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so many die  
> with a brush in their hands  
> a heart full of colors  
> and empty pages full of lies - atticus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shes fire  
> but she wont  
> burn you...  
> she knows all  
> too well;  
> how it feels  
> to live  
> with ashes - alfa

Patton's skin tingled uncomfortably, and he slipped into the bathroom to take a look in the mirror, his skin crawling as he watched the snake scales appear. An illusion all too common.

This happened all too often, and though it did scare him he always brushed it off, just a game his head played when he was tired, that was it. But.. it did occur when someone was lying..

Was he lying to himself? He wasn't sure anymore, but maybe..

His eye changed to that of a snakes, and he nearly shrieked in surprise, it had never gotten that far, what the hell?

" _oh~ you're too far in~ you won't change back now, dear ol patton~_ "

Patton hissed, closing the door and locking it, he ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head.

"Shut up,  _shut up!_ "

His voice became deep and gravelly, and he slammed his back into the wall, holding his head and just growling. Roman walked by, he frowned at the soft thud and turned to look at the door, walking to it and raising his hand to knock. His knuckles tapping against the wood of the door.

"Patton? Are you okay in there? You didn't fall in the toilet or something, right?"

A laugh came from inside, soft and gentle. A bit  _too_ gentle.

"Yes-  yea, I'm fine! Don't you worry kiddo, I just- just dropped something that's it!"

Roman narrowed his brows, lingering for a bit and nodding.

"Right.. then I'll get going.."

He left, taking long strides towards his room and opening up the door, walking into his beautiful kingdom.

A male shorter than him came running up to him, fixing his shirt and smiling nervously.

"Prince Roman! I have news for you, may I continue?"

Roman smiled, weak and tired. He nodded, and waved his hand.

"Yes- you can continue, Davie,"

The small man nodded, he cleared his throat.

"The guards in town have reported seeing a strange figure in the dark woods! It seems he was being followed by some kind of dark entity, one we do not have any knowledge of. Another thing- It seems that a few wizards and princes from other kingdoms will soon come for a meeting! They'd like to think of new ideas!"

Roman smiled, nodding.

"Right, then, I'll gather some guards myself and check out the dark woods, as for the kingdom meeting, I'd like to postpone that until.. Wednesday? I have some business to take care of and one of the sides has gone missing. We are unable to find him and we need some time before any kind of meeting. I apologize,"

Davie shook his head, smiling.

"No worries! I'll be sure to send a message to the kingdoms! Now that I've delivered the news, I must be off! Be safe, Prince Roman. The kingdom won't be able to function correctly without you."

Davie bowed before running off to continue his duties, leaving Roman to look after him before shaking his head and heading to the guards bunkers.

"Let us hope this is not a thief or witch of some kind.."

* * *

"...hello...?"

Virgil's voice echoed in the forest, soft and rough, his throat dry from the lack of water.

He whimpered, rubbing his eye and nestling himself in between the bushes. His hoodie the only thing keeping him warm, he kept the hood up, letting it hide his hair and face.

He was tired, so fucking tired and hungry and just so very thirsty and it was all too painful.

He was also positive that the villagers had seen him once in a while, along with his trusty ol' shadow monster.

Fucking shadow monsters. Always such a handful, always so tiring. They drained his energy so fast, and in the end it was painful. 

Virgil felt warm blood begin dripping from his nose, and he raised his hand to clean it. The shadow monster besides him was big, a bit too strong too, and that just meant his energy was draining faster than before.

A groan escaped past his lips, and he felt his stomach grumble, the sour taste of bile on his tongue and he bent over to let it spill on the forest floor. He retched up any berries and edible plants he was able to find, his stomach aching and groaning more.

In the end he continued to dry heave, tears spilling out of his eyes and falling hot and fast onto the ground. He cried out, weakly hitting the shadow monster.

"Leave..! Why won't you.. why won't you leave..!"

 Virgil sobbed, curling up into a ball and ignoring the shadow monster as it leaned over him, opening its mouth up wide and letting goop drip onto Virgil. The boy hissed, wiping the good away and weakly getting up, leaning against a tree. He batted the shadow monster away, trying to trudge away, instead he tumbled onto the ground. His body ached, and he just wanted to sleep so badly..

Sleep...

It.. that didn't sound too bad..

* * *

Logan was a wreck, he stayed up for nights, living off of a few sandwiches and coffee and water, he stumbled around in his room, trying to figure out desperately where Virgil was, his glasses lay askew somewhere in his room, and his hair was tangled and messy, fingers kept on getting stuck when he tried to run a hand through his hair.

"where could he be.. where could he be.."

He muttered, lip already bruised from how much he kept on biting it. He brightened up.

"forest.. the forest! Roman's kingdom! Maybe.. no.. will he be there..? He.. his shadow monsters like taking him to dark places.. he has never experienced it before.. could be Roman's kingdom.. he'll eventually teleport out of there if the shadow monster thinks he's hurt him enough.."

He hissed, glancing at his bed.

"It'll be a good idea to get some rest before actually seeing if my theory is correct.. and maybe.. I should clean myself up.."

Logan huffed, rubbing his eyes and turning off the lights, he slipped into his bed. Thoughts running free through his head.

"sleep.. gotta.. gotta find Virge.."

 

" _gotta find virgil.."_

 


	8. once a heartbreaker, always a heartbreaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "dissolving trust to dust  
> evading truthful reality  
> cheating and mistrust  
> eroding all integrity  
> illusion of being a friend  
> treacherously condescends" - ???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "i don't aspire to be a heartbreaker -  
> i'll never understand the fun people find  
> in making others bleed" - Kristen Costello

It was always such a strange feeling to be filled up with warmth; happy smiles stretching along his face, brown eyes so loving and welcoming.

He hated it. Absolutely hated the sight of it and the feeling.

It was a warmth he hadn't felt in such a long time. A warmth he longed for, even after his heart was shattered and stomped on.

 

Deceit missed Virgil so very much.

His past lover let go of his hand, slipping past him and spitting his goodbyes at Deceit.

It would be a very long time before he saw him once again.

* * *

" _Ya think he's dead?"_

A rough, deep voice whispered, another one replied.

" _Hell, I'd be surprised if he was dead. I'm pretty sure he's alive- The worst he could be is wounded."_

Virgil groaned, the heavy feeling of pain settling into his bones. He blearily looked up at two small figures, confusion rocking him.

"What the hell..?"

Virgil murmured, attempting to push himself up by his elbows, he paused, a wave of nausea shaking him. He hissed, biting his lip and ignoring the pain. The two small figures murmured in surprise, backing up and examining him.

"Aye, ye fine, lad?"

Virgil nodded, a lump forming in his throat. He swallowed around it, and struggled to get up, his legs feeling like jelly. The small figures glanced at each other, and began pulling Virgil's pant leg.

"Alright, follow us then, getting into town would be a smart idea, don' wanna know what lurks in the shadows. Not everyone is friendly out here in the forest, a spooky place if you ask me, though I'm surprised you arn't dead, most would be if they were in your place. Anyways, this is the entrance, we'll take you to our home, no worries, it's big enough for you."

Virgil nodded, he followed them slowly, slouching over at the glares and glances of the townspeople. Murmuring reaching his ears, and he tried his best to block them out. An anxiety attack wouldn't do him any good. His gaze flickered up, breath hitched as he watched a small and round lady point him out to a guard. The guard seemed to thank her, his face contorting into one of confusion and fear.

The guard didn't seem to want to walk over, but he swallowed and marched over, puffing his chest out and relaxing his shoulders.

"Excuse me- You need to come with me,"

Virgil stopped, he glanced over to the two small men but they seem to begin to scurry away, biting their lips and waving him goodbye. He scowled and nodded, the guard huffing slightly and beginning to walk into a different direction. Virgil's head was clouded, and it was difficult to think. Difficult to think.. difficult to.. walk..

* * *

 

Deceit crossed his arms across his chest, disgust taking over his features. He sighed, tired and honestly a little bit irritated that he had to come out so suddenly. He stomped into the kitchen, clearing his throat and calling the other sides over.

"Christ- Hey! You two losers, get the hell in here before I kick Patton's ass- holy guacamole this does not suck at all." 

He hissed, taking a seat on a chair and leaning on the table/bar. Wondering if they had some alcohol around here, probably not, he could summon some if he wanted to but he didn't want Roman and Logan on his case. 

Deceit turned around when he saw Roman and Logan tripping down the stairs, wrestling each other as they arrived at the bottom, before getting up and glaring in Deceit's direction.

"You-! What are  _you_ doing here?!"

Roman hissed, pointing a shaky finger in his direction, Deceit rolled his eyes, giving him a lazy grin that didn't suit his face  ~~but that made a rush of heat go in the direction of Logan's crotch~~.

"I can obviously see I'm wanted here,"

Deceit pursed his lips, before shaking his head. He took the glasses off, placing them gently on the bar/table and getting up.

"Anyways- You two are trying to find Virgil, right? He's not here. That's all you know, but what me and  _Logan_ know is that he's in Roman's kingdom. He's beginning to move 'round fast, and let me tell you- Those guards of yours might not be able to keep him under control, he'll teleport again in a few minutes, closer to the castle but still in the forest. You ought to get him, bring him here, and let me have a look at 'im." 

Roman scrunched up his nose, glaring over at Logan who crossed his arms and hissed back.

"How- how do you know about this?"

Deceit faltered, he swallowed thickly and shook his head.

"That- it doesn't matter. Just- be careful. He's already been through so much and this isn't gonna help him at all."

Logan elbowed Roman, nodding at Deceit.

"We understand, just stay in the living room or kitchen, we'll be back before you know it. Don't cause any trouble."

Deceit chuckled, relaxing a bit.

"I wouldn't dream of it-"

He pouted, batting his lashes and watching as the two glaring Sides left. He ventured into the living room before dramatically throwing himself onto a couch, letting out a breathy sigh and letting a wave of emotions wash over him. This was definitely going to be really difficult, even if it was going to be for a few hours.

~~ _flashback~~_

_"ann?"_

_deceit murmured, golden eyes glazing over, he felt his lovers breath against his cheek, felt him pulling away, hands pushing him ; grabbing at his shoulders and pushing him away, a broken sob leaving him. deceit felt his world crumble around him, and he felt a shuddering breath leave him._

_"love?"_

_he whispered, clenching his teeth, heart beating faster. he could feel anxiety glare at him, even in the dark. the hands on his shoulders relaxed, but he could feel them clenching a little bit._

_"do you- do you love me? deceit?"_

_deceit froze, nonononono this couldnt be happening not now why god not now pl ea se_

_"i.. um.."_

_he heard hiccups leave his lover. his heart breaking even more._

_"are you going to lie more? like you lied about that poor girl? like how you lied about that boy with the golden hair? deceit? do you even love me? deceit?"_

_anxiety sobbed, waves of fear and anger just rolling off of him. he was shaking, his voice was shaking, and he could feel tears rush down his face; vision becoming too blurry and his head buzzing and screaming._

_"anxiety you know i.. i love you.."_

_deceit raised his hand, gently caressing anxiety's face. his heart shattered when he felt the boy pull away harshly, an angry hiss leaving him._

_"i fucking hate you, you- you lying scumbag i knew this was going to happen; you told me you loved me- that they didn't mean anything to you- and i fucking believed you i cant believe that i fucking believed you!"_

_anxiety hissed, raising his hand and-_

_~~end of flashback~~_

Deceit scowled, brushing away the tears that slipped down his cheeks, rubbing at his face violently until it burned; until only his heart ached and cried. No use in crying over someone who didn't even love him back any more. No use in.. ever trying to win his love once more..

* * *

Roman burst into the Dungeon, a loud gasp escaping him. Logan swore under his breath, shuddering at the sight. Two guards lay on the ground, black goop and crimson blood covered the entire room, shocked still etched on the faces of the guards. A wooden table and chair lay broken in a corner, and Roman swore he heard soft gurgling, similar to purring, before it paused and disappeared.

Roman moved past Logan, letting out an array of colorful curses and running out of the castle, people murmuring nervously to one another, exchanging worried glances. Logan pants, clearly out of breath  ~~and shape~~. Roman huffed, running faster before skidding to a stop at the exit.

"Shitshitshit, no nonono"

Roma mumbled, the guards glanced at each other before opening the gate, Roman turned around, groaning loudly as Logan let out a wheezing breath.

"Ohmygod- Logan we don't have time to get horses, hurry up you freaking nerd-"

Logan scowled, mouth opening to say something, instead another wheeze left him. Roman grabbed his arm, pulling him along into the forest. Behind them, the gates closed, and Roman couldn't help feel nervous.

It wasn't every day that you went out into your kingdom to find one of the Sides. And Roman wouldn't be surprised if this wasnt going to be the last time.

The soft gurgling sound brought him back to reality, he stopped, ignoring the fact that Logan was leaning onto him, eyes wide and heart beating fast. He let out soft cough, straighetning up and glancing around.

"What- what was that?"

Logan whispered, Roman shrugged, hand flying to the handle of his sword.

"Not sure, but I also don't really want to find out."

They continued, fear beginning to settle in. Pausing again when they heard soft sobbing, hope sparked in Logan and Roman and they looked at each other.

"Virge? You there bud?"

Roman called out, biting down on his tongue, Logan let out a shaky breath beside him. The sobbing stopped, and rustling aroused. The saw a figure stand, and a hand waving at them, the other leaning onto a tree. The figure began slipping down, letting out a weak cough and wiping their mouth. Roman and Logan flew over to the figure, letting out a happy cry. They helped Virgil up, who had blood trickling down the corner of his mouth and dried tears on his cheeks. He looked tired, and those dark eyes that usually twinkled once in a while were dark and sad.

"Didn't actually expect you to find me.."

Virgil laughed weakly, he pulled back, letting a short coughing fit take over. He covered his mouth, glancing at the blood that was splattered on it and cringing.

"Fuck- come on, we need to get you home,"

Roman huffed, sheathing his sword and smacking Logan's hands away. He swept up Virgil into his arms, bridal style. Virgil let out a small cry, flushing weakly. Logan pushed his glasses up, the lens glinting the tiniest bit.

"Ready?"

Logan murmured, and Roman nodded, shifting Virgil in his arms. The trio teleported away, stumbling into Virgil's room, the dust that once sat there thickly was gone. The room looked clean and organized, as it once was. Logan pulled back the blankets, fluffing the pillows and helping Roman get Virgil into his bed. The younger Side mumbled out a hiss, fluttering his lashes and weakly coughing.

The original duo sprint out the room, stumbling a bit and zooming into the living room before pulling Deceit up to his feet and tugging his arm.

"Come on- we have Virgil now,"

Deceit murmured in surprise, letting them drag him into the room before pushing him towards Virgil, who glanced at him and glared coldly. His hissed out a swear, shifting in his bed as best as he could. Deceit glanced away.

"Can you two leave the room? It's best if I don't have two.. weirdos watching me like hawks."

Logan and Roman glared at him, shuffling out of the room and hesitantly closing the door. Deceit turned back to Virgil; who scowled and weakly bared his teeth, Deceit licked his lips nervously and summoned a chair, he sat down on in and ran a hand through his hair.

"I know you don't want me here but I'm the only one who knows what's going on. So don't bitch or whine about it,"

Virgil heaved out a sigh.

"Well then doc, wha'ts wrong with me,"

Deceit gagged, visibly shuddering; he glared weakly at Virgil.

"Don't call me that, and you know what's wrong, wait- fuck- let me leave Morality's body-"

A shudder- and Deceit pops out, Patton blinks; once, twice, he makes a questioning voice in the back of his throat and shakes his head.

"Huh- oh! Kiddo you're back! Oh- hi Deceit!"

The cheerful man chirps, waving at Deceit and giving Virgil a concerned look.

 

The trio talk for a bit, at one point Virgil coughs up some blood, looking paler than usual and too tired to form any more words. Patton stays to clean him up, shooing Deceit out of the room and huffing lightly.

Deceit almost lets a whine leave him, but he shuts his mouth and wanders into the living room, where he looks outside the window that Patton usually stands at in Thomas' videos. Roman is sitting on the couch, he nearly launches himself across the room to Deceit, but stops himself before he does.

Deceit leans on the windowsill, lashes fluttering almost innocently. He looks outside, where the imagination is slightly more wild, and where Thomas' thoughts run wild. He eventually lets out a bitter laugh, heart clenching painfully.

"..it's too easy to love the ones who don't love us back.." (-atticus)

Roman perks up, confused.

"What? What do you mean by that"

Deceit shakes his head, glancing at Roman; his eyes are glazed over with unshed tears, he glares at him.

"Nothing, nevermind- I should leave now.."

Roman nodded, hesitant, he opened his mouth to say something, but flinched when Deceit faded away; the way they teleported was unsettling. But his shoulders are hunched and his face his dark, it somehow worries Roman.

He looks up when he hears footsteps going down the stairs, and sees Patton who gives him a wave and let his emotions roll off him like waves. He's sleepy, and it's rather comforting.

"It was his fault really, (s)he had run out of things to dream.. (-atticus)" 

Patton murmurs, he leans onto Roman, murmuring something beneath his breath, sleep beckoning him.

That too worries Roman, but he brushes it off half heartedly. It's best to ask questions later rather than now.

 

He was glad his family was back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been a while since ive written any chapters, sorry about that :^(  
> i havent had much inspiration and ive been procrastinating a little bit too  
> but!! summer vacation is coming soon! :^)) i'll have a lot more time to write, so i hope you guys are excited for a few more chapters! i'll try to get back into my "chapter once a week" thing!
> 
> 7/30/18 update - hiii!!! its been years soryryryry ive been forcing myself to writeee, and since i have a new fic im trynna update a second chapter to it before i leave for six years lo l
> 
> 8/1/18 note - sorry if i dont update for a while again! havent had much inspiration and im in a depression episode currently, so shits been tough. if i dont update in a few months im probably just procrastinating and do have a chapter ready that just needs to be finished and updated. sorry again! in the meantime, check out other fics i have! :)


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